Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
I have teeth marks. Like distinct upper and lower jaw.
Yeah me too. My shoulder looks rabid.
the most drunk i have ever been? possibly. the most drunk i have ever been on a monday? definently.
If we see one freshman that cummed on me, we are leaving.
dude chill. we stole 18 hamburgers from her house
no. you cant fuck a burger.
I swear, he has the body awareness of an acid-tripping quadriplegic.
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
Boys that pee in my bed don't get happy birthday wallposts on facebook
He's not letting me leave till I cum. I am a hostage to my own vagina
hahahaha what do we need the kangaroos for? please tell me we release them instead of doves
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
Maybe it's because I walked straight up to that shelf of vodka with a look of determination that said "I mean business".
I usually have to have a cart! If that doesn't say "I mean business" then I don't know what does
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
No we were too stoned to stop you from wiping the peanut butter all over the car.
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