You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
definitely fulfilled the lesbian status quo and fucked her in the back seat of my prius
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
Is it really road head if took place on kayaks in the river?
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
I don't remember anything after falling in the ditch, but I now have confirmation that my rib is broken. Never drinking again.
Fun fact. I just wrapped myself in wrapping paper for a sext. Is this a new high or a new low stay tuned.
If I'm gonna have a rotation of guys, I really should stop them leaving boob bruises...
You kept yelling stranger danger at Nick because he was talking to that girl you didn't like. Your not invited ever again.
i left you alone for two hours TWO HOURS & when i got back i had to rush you to the hospital because you were covered in Smooth Away pads & drinking the bong water..
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
So my plane's delayed and some guy is talking to "sparkles" he just told her to never again sell drinks from her cleavage. This is why I don't go home
He lives in a tent in my ex'd backyard. Why the fuck would you want any of that dirty dick?
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
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