I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
the best thing about dollar beer night is beer is only a dollar.
ugh. people who use coupons make me wanna punch a baby.
We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
While we were having sex he told me "this is what you get for not parking my car right" I have never drove his car. He was that kind of weird.
He told everyone he was going inside...an hour later we get a knock on the garage door from some dude telling us a guy is passed out on the lawn and we should get him inside because it's about to rain
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
I downloaded the presidential playlists for offline listening. And Obama made a night one so we have presidential approved fuck jamzzzzz. Thanks Obama!
If I'm legally allowed to go to jail than I should legally be allowed to tell a cop to fuck off. Basic principles.
Yea, but did you really have to throw a sandwich at him??
is it bad that there is a girl in my bed right now and the only thing i can think about is the fect that its after 3am which means i cant order jimmyjohns unitll tomorrow?
dude, where did you go? french fries taste like numbers
Honestly his girlfriend says she hates me cause she thinks im trying to get him to cheat on her with me...she should hate me cause i already accomplished that.
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
Randomize
