he said he wished he had more hands so he could firmly hold my boobs.
TLC. RIGHT NOW. PRIMORDIAL TODDLERS.
Just got my cast off. My occupational therapist wants me to self-gratify. My clit is about to have an awesome weekend...
I literally had to tap out of the blow job. It was like a pornographic wrestling match
Even jesus won't love me after tonight. I'm going hard.
Chick last night said she only gets off if she rubs her childhood blanket her parents gave her during sex
They got me high and left me at the mall with a giftcard for $400. I need an adult.
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
Also, I found out that my dad has the name of every boy that I've ever dated and their physical description, car type and tag number stored in his computer.
Apparently Angela went missing once and he says he learned were to look first and that it's best to have information on hand.
This stupid maranara sauce stain sucks. It keeps distracting me and it looks like I'm staring at my tits.
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
Oh Jesus our whore days are numbered
His name was toto. That should have been my red flag
The sex was totally worth how awkward its gonna be for the next few weeks
Randomize
