yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
Would you let Jessica Biel poop in front of you to see her naked...but you have to wipe her too?
I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
You broke a window with your face. I don't think the landlord will be as impressed as we were.
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...
Hey man, sorry I chased you around the house with a small table.
Monday morning margarita madness at ny house. Yes before wheel of fortune. Yes day drinking.
I was just reelected president of justgotlaidsylvania
I sobered up in the middle of it, that I was hooking up with him in a rosemary bush. I woke up smelling like a pasta dish
Nevermind, there are three drinks waiting at the bar for me. I cannot disappoint this alcohol.
I woke up with the gnarliest cold/hangover combo
Thats what u get when u have butt ass naked rooftop sex at night in december
Worth it.
I should not be able to sum up my life with a taco brand motto...
Dude, I wish I could live my entire life blacked out.
He put a doughnut around his dick and I ate it. What can I say. It was a good fucking night.
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