I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
shut up. I wear heels bigger than your dick
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
They don't exactly give out small business loans to start-up dealers
slow down on the beer.. we don't need another pentabong projectile hot dog incident
They asked if I was about to puke and my response was to laugh and suddenly throw up. Continuing my asshole streak I kept laughing while still vomiting.
We need to go to the store an get depends. I really don't want to be bothered with the bathroom this weekend.
Honestly I'm so excited to go to bed I feel as if I don't deserve to be in my early twenties.
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
Next think I knew I was pretty much using his penis as a microphone... No more playing Eminem during hookups
just shotgunning some tallboys in the cooler, you?
HOW DO YOU GET RAISES EVERY TWO WEEKS?!
Come over. Bring cocaine. And my t shirt with the dolphin on it.
Almost lost a vagina lip in the great shave of '16
He just took off his shirt. I'll text you later.
Randomize
