So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
i blame lastnights decisions on friday the 13th
She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
she named my penis "gigantor the baby arm"
Still not exactly sure how i unbolted your toilet from the ground.
putting weed in the twinkies box was possibly the best idea you've ever had
and I keep making him eat me out and buying me presents, this is paradise. I wish he cheated on me earlier.
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
How many trips to the liquor store in a week constitutes alcoholism?
I turned around and there were three 10 year old kids running around with sparklers. Weirdest college part ever.
Welcome to Philly.
it is basically gonna be an ugly Christmas sweater rave
Forced to cancel my booty call due to the snowpocalypse. This crosses the line.
I'm not gonna lie, my internet creeping skills scare me. I'm like Liam Neeson in Taken
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
Randomize
