You're pretty and everything..but you aren't worth the DUI
I'm glad my gym is open 24 hours..I stopped in on my way home to puke from the bar
I didn't know it was possible to make picking up dog shit look sexy.
She did the bend and snap...
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
Now accepting hypotheses about how i managed to get a bruise between my boobs....
Now he's galloping around the bar. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
Yes my plan is to drink the college out of me so i can be an adult by monday
there COULD be a gas leak in our house... proceeding to smoke with extreme caution...
So I totally just used margarita salt for a body scrub.
Dude, you were tagged in a stripper FB selfie. That is a whole new level of something.....
I told him the only reason I'd sleep with him is if we have a threesome because I'll need moral support
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
I brought those bastards cookies so they can deal with my sex noise, fuck them and their roommate asses
Had to clear my browser history. I figured if she used the search bar and her name came up, it might be a little creepy.
You know he wants it bad when he starts going door to door for condoms.
Randomize
