I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
it's like her boobs came off with her bra
i'm sitting in the second floor bathroom drinking coronas in the shower. do not find me.
Just got judged by the front desk clerk, 2 maids and a security guard at the Sheraton. I've decided to use this as a character building experience.
In case you come back to the room and i'm not here, yes there's a cup filled with gravy in the microwave. Just take it out if you need to heat something.
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
Oh, and thanks to you. I'm now stuck in the living room, held hostage, listening to my roommate's "How I discovered I was bi" story. FUCK YOU.
at some point i feel off my bar stool straight into the arms of a gay guy. just my luck.
Well the strippers have danced to goo goo dolls and green day, time of your life. Were all gonna commit suicide.
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
You went to a drug deal in a onesie.
Maybe snorting K off penises isn't healthy
It's 90 percent alcohol, and 10 percent a whisper that says "get drunk"
I made it 1 week... 5 business days at my new job before sleeping with my coworker.
Call me a snob but I'm not banging chicks with more fingers than teeth.
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