I'm not sure which is worse. The fact that I slept with him last night, or the fact that you did too.
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
riding the spinning bikes at the rec after Valentines Day was a baaddddd idea
She just face-timed her mom and had her watch all of us toast to her grandmas tits..
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
I swear to god if he wasnt on the fourth floor balcony and I wasn't to drunk to climb I would kill him
I can feel his 12 year old sister"s eyes barreling into my soul everytime I'm at there house..some how she knows I'm cheating on her brother or she's mad cause I stole her shirt.
Imagine getting smashed in the dick by a basketball. A basketball made of metal. With spikes. That's pretty much what his dick looked like.
If a girl called me a promiscuous philandering Casanova, should I say thank you?
Most definitely.
I just had a spiritual connection with my sweater and did ballet in the hallway. Alone. I'd say we're gonna chalk that up as a win for marijuana and call it a night
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
If you could get me there thatd be perfect. I doubt there's extradition on the moon.
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
It’s a hundred kinds of wrong to do Jell-O shots at home alone. Right?
I support drinking alone. But Jell-O shots. That’s a game changer.
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