Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
Oh my god he is having a sentimental moment right now.
He just sent me like a really heartfelt confession of love in which he ended with "make the apt, I'll hold your hand while you get your clit pierced."
He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
you know i think I know why you are single...because you are real cute but then you open your mouth and let words come out and all goes to hell.
Everyone knows relationships are a winter sport
How do you not remember?? She kept putting a dollar on her waistband and insisting it was all you can eat under a dollar
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
My sweat smells like Wild Turkey. I'm really feeling the holiday spirit.
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
Im blaming it on six shots of Jack, loneliness and a chemical imbalance. That's the best I can think of...
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
Long story short I shit on a sidewalk while walking with multiple people. Then sprinted around the streets of Tallahassee in only gym shorts as I tore my toga off and wore it as a cape.
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