Pussy?
how
Wat do u mean how?
I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
We have to go find her fucking car. She came home from a 80 dollar cab ride, no shoes, and all she remembers is its at a burger king on a street with an H in it
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
I always enjoy the bewildered gaze as I buy chips, salsa and beer @ 0745.
She lost her glasses and we found them on the roof. Don't ask questions. Kings cup was intense last night.
People were running around punching out the ceiling tiles Super Mario style.
I was wondering why he was in my phone as "Cat Guy", he seemed pretty normal. Then when we woke up he was wearing a shirt with a picture of his cat on it. The name stays.
I'm a grown ass woman. Treat me like one. Fuckboy
Just found a rebirth in peppermint schnapps. May be able to stay up all night and finish this paper after all. MERRY CHRISTMAS
Is it weird that I was turned on when he told me he had a vasectomy?
I knew you two would hit it off
no, it was more of an i-don't-think-he-even-knows-what-a-clitoris-is, bad.
I HATE BEING THIS HIGH FML IT'S LIKE I'M MAKING UP FOR ALL THE 4:20S I DIDNT DO ALL AT ONCE
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
