I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
come on down! you are the next contestant on the night is drunk!
theres a kid in a leopard robe and sunglasses filling up a gas tank. i miss college
It wasn't really sex. It was just rolling around, trying to make sure his dick didn't end up in my ass.
This old guy just saw me toking on my bubbler before I go to the dentist. He gave me the nod.
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
So apparently the only parts of last night I remember didn't actually happen.. When did vodka become a hallucinogen?
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
The fact that he said "there's nothing wrong with being a raging drunk, just ask my mother." has me thinking that I have no positive role-models among my friends.
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
we need to invent and abuse teleportation
I don't know if should be sitting on a toilet or kneeling in front of it
You had 10 drinks. On a first date.
I just masterbated then started bawling.
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
I'm sorry I've been mean recently but tbh it really turns me on seeing you cry so it might happen a lot..... You're a pretty crier I don't get it
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