Ramen noodles and uncensored jerry springer episodes, what a nice life i have.
dont like to call her my roomate, too cordial. i refer to her as the whore that was assigned to live with me
Drawing dicks in the frost on people's windshields is a rare joy I allow myself while walking to my 8 AM class.
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
every single kid we've ever known, every single person we've gotten blow jobs from, every single person we've hit home runs with... is at dennys right now
She's yelling about threesomes and realllly wants you to come over. Put the pieces together.
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
Multiple bruises and a hell of a headache later, I have still to find out where the fuck I picked up the bottom half of a mannequin.
He looks like a fat version of lurch from the adams family and smells like fritos. This is not the caliber man I want pleasuring himself to the thought of me!
If I'm walking weird, don't judge me. Things got kinda outta hand with the GoPro on.
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
No worries, I've prioritized my homework into "can do drunk" and "should be sober" categories. We're good.
Once he bit me I drew the fucking line.
Randomize
