Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
just looked at his mug shot... not really my type
I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.
So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?
I don't see why you're so upset, it's not like you were wearing pants either.
I just masturbated while eating dinner. Now who's the lazy one
You're in a tuxedo, you can pee wherever you want.
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
It's national boyfriend day supposedly, would it be appropriate if I posted a picture of my dildo?
I just remember her dragging me inside in a panic saying we needed mentos and popcorn I have no fucking clue how we ended up asleep in her closet.
10 shots in she's sitting on the floor using the open dishwasher door as a plate to eat her "life giving" pizza.
I'm still home, my life isn't together. Currently drying my pants
I have chicken nuggets, lube and brand new batteries, he can stay at work charting all weekend for all I care, I'm set.
So I ended the trip with two cold sores, poison ivy on my leg and vagina, and no alcohol or weed. WORST. 4TH. OF. JULY. EVER.
Randomize
