No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
we were hanging out in his room and he decided to play WoW.. so i took off all my clothes while he wasn't paying attention and laid on his bed and started playing with myself.
did he notice?
of course he didn't notice.. he was playing a fiesty level 1 fucker that wouldn't give up..
We should probably just have a threeway and get everyone on the same page.
Then he took his girlfriend's fuzzy handcuffs and locked me to their bed. Key is in an unknown location. He's surprisingly idiotic, for being premed.
I have no idea why I said that. I have no idea why anything happened last night, I broke my toaster making a egg. I'm going to quit drinking.
Oh my god. A memory of last night just came to me. One of our neighbors joked about Thomas having a big dick and I just kept shaking my head profusely.
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
Almost just stuck my dick in my bong for no reason
I better not get a vid of you penile helicoptering
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
I'll pay you back with progressively deviant sexual favors.
so after 3 days of looking i found the keg...looks like somebody tried burying behind the garage
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
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