He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
She just said she finds Tyler Perry funny... this is not going to work.
heres the thing, we have 120 cans of beer left in the fridge. until thats finished we cant fit food in the fridge
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
Guess which frat house I just walked out of! And on a related note... guess who's uncircumsized
Solid. Can't put a price on good times
You can and it's called a liver.
Yeah I was convinced everyone knew I was high. Time was passing way too slowly for anyone NOT to notice.
I need to stop getting drunk and telling people it isn't "about them."
I wish more of my problems were easily solvable by taking a good long shit.
It's like we're in an emotionally distant three-way and there's not even sex to show for it.
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
I take Paypal, cash, sexual favors, and roasted red potatoes with garlic as payment. You choose.
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
I just found a baklava I forgot I got last night so we can call it a day
Legit hope my Trump humping Brother dies of this shit so I can stop pretending to still love him.
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