Done. Eyebrows are waxed, entire body shaved
you keep denying me to hang out, should i take a hint?
you keep asking me after midnight, should i take a hint?
So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
i woke up naked with 27 half ripped $ bills in my bed from ripping them off the wall of the bar
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
His hands were made for my vagina.
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
If I was 5 years younger and single...
She STILL wouldn't fuck you.
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
I need more social interactions that don't involve sex
Can you plz delete the video of me twerking in Waffle House, my mom just got a vine.
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
Randomize
