I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
Everytime I think about NYE, my gag reflex kicks in.
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
No, that was the night I was sneezing out barf
Yes he was puking but in the only light of the whole parking lot and he was resting in the patch of clovers and he just was a garden fairy
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
He's high as balls tripping balls and doing a reenactment of the scene where Buzz jumps off the balcony and can't fly to his soundtrack of Toy Story.
I could be busy drinking my face off and getting red white and bruised per usual
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
Was your wine and cheese snap taken from the toilet?
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
Is 36 too old to fuck a college student? THIS IS BOTH IMPORTANT AND TIME SENSITIVE
In my top drawer right now, there are see's chocolates, condoms, weed, and my vibrator. One way or another, this is going to be a good night
Aka I'm headed to the liquor store because I don't know how to handle my emotions.
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
Randomize
