I had a dream last night that we were eating cake at Mercy...hahaha. I'm furious I didn't see you.
just found deep spiritual meaning in spongebob.... that high.
I'm now in all their contact lists as "Pee-Pee Hands"...
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
It took years to build this empire of casual fuckings and not carings.
I've woke up with the same hoodie on backwards, twice this week. I think that's a record
It's like the first time your mom catches you masturbating. We both know what she saw. We're just not talking about it...
This is the beginning of the end. Testicle Tuesdays and free ball Friday are going to scar people for life
Dude that picute of your balls will haunt my nightmares
My vagina: 1 Male stubborness: 0
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
It wasn't until I lost my earring that I realized "I've been here before". Turns out we fucked a year ago. We've decided to make it a tradition.
Omg in one week, two guys with their own names tattooed on their bodies had their tongues in my mouth. Self loathing shall commence now.
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
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