I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
I'm a terrible person. There are two guys speaking sign language on the metro platform and at first I thought they were drunk and doing a silly dance.
That girl you went home with last night was dressed in a bright blue sweats at the bar. 205lb Smurffete FTL. Boy were you in epic form.
We glued Jenga blocks together, called it "magic blocks" and sold it to the stoners for $50 and a bottle of Henny
Also I have uncooked pasta. I was hoping that could get cooked at your place. Don't ask about the circumstances that I came into ownership of uncooked pasta
Her next conquest seems to be stealing her ex-boyfriend's new girlfriend. Pretty sure everyone involved is totally OK with this.
I'm basically flying you out for a long weekend of sex and going to the zoo
I'm cool with that
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
Besides you're a Tennessee fan and it'd be against my religion to have your penis inside me today.
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
If you're going to be single forever, you should try the quesalupas at Taco Bell.
I started carrying sissors in my purse to open plan B with. Both ashamed and proud.
He was the perfect gentleman on our first date. Took me out for candlelit dinner at a fancy restaurant, held open the door, walked me home, and made me cum three times before he got his.
And by "have lunch together" you mean me giving you a blow job in the back of your Tahoe, right?
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