the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
I just watched a girl use a tall boy Coors as a rolling pin to make christmas cookies
There was a gorilla playing an accordion outside of my last final. I miss college already.
I fucked him in the bathroom at Cedar Point. if it hadn't been for me already combining my two favorite things in the world the whole bathroom thing would have been a little disgusting.
I maybe late, he's in a peeing contest with the neighbor's dog. Currently he's in the lead.
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
When i say that im working late and also have a paper to write before 9am tomorrow all i want u to respond is saying that ur gunna come over and sexually distract me from my responsibilities. Not a fucking frowny face.
Sorry. Im on my way.
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
I walked in and all four of you were covering your heads under the blanket singing waterslides in unison.
Let us bow our heads and pray that I don't throw up in the tub
you know what? fuck you, fuck your nana, and ESPECIALLY FUCK THE BLACKHAWKS.
You know you're high when you find yourself sitting on the floor with the refrigerator door open, talking to various foods. Hand gestures and all.
This is not okay. I only like one boy. I should like 200 boys and be having wild unprecedented sex. Instead I like one boy whose a born again virgin.
I just made out with his twin, technically it's the same person..... Right?
Randomize
