Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
you'd be alarmed at how much plan b i just found in mom's bathroom...
My entire floor is waiting for the couple to come out of the shower. She's a screamer. We've blockaded them
Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.
She just called to say she can support a full bottle of vodka between "the girls" now. I'm going over, don't try and stop me.
screw it, I'll just be a stripper until next August when then are looking for suitable teachers to teach the future of America. it's like a feel good movie just a little out of order and im a dude.
The bartender said he wanted to turn you gay, and we got free shots the rest of the night
It's been two days. I am still burping up jello. Everything tastes like jello. Everything smells like jello. I am DONE with jello shots.
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
Why is it so hot and why are these the only pants in my life.
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
Because I was drunk or stoned for 4 days. I either made terrible decisions or none at all.
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
Randomize
