it was 5AM and you were field goal kicking solo cups into the sink
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
According to the stories I've heard I decided I was a stuntman after my 6th shot of Jack
After we were done the second time she turned to me and called me a Hardcore Armadillo. Also, her O face involves crossed eyes. You tell me.
Night is still young. Puking guts out part of it just began
I found your doppelganger. same hair, eyes, personality, catch phrases, and penis. it was mind-boggeling.
you know that feeling on acid where you think the world stops just to fuck with you? That's what it felt like.
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
thankfully we both ride of shamed home together on razor scooters in dresses because we stopped for breakfast sandwiches too
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
I didn't want him to hear me sneaking in. The doggie door was the perfect solution.
She said if you lived here it would be like the x rated version of 3's company
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
Randomize
