its good for cellulite if you don't wear underwear. its true
I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
Absolutely. Last time I signed up for a softball league I had sex with my high school economics teacher.
I don't think eating half of a pickle out of my mouth counts as getting to know me
My catholic guilt is strong, but the alcohol is stronger.
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
And suddenly....Tubas. Tubas everywhere.
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
Why is it I can't go buy redbull and tylenol pm from a store without getting questions about my health choices?
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
so i was thinking... those 6 am shots weren't really needed.
My life is just a trash fire of work and Japanese video games now
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