Do you think most people who work at an airport Chili's can pin point where their lives went wrong?
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
I am trapped in a bar with french tattooed drug dealers who also blow glass art. Just in case this is bad, know what happened.
I just found what appears to be a tooth in my purse...anybody missing one?
Your excessive judging is making this uncomfortable
U took a sewing needle to his nipple
Psshh,
You asked me if you could throw up in my shoe.
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
Ugh I hate you, and the responsible adult life I pretend to have during daylight hours
I cannot even describe to you the most amazing ass I have ever had the pleasure of seeing walk up the stairs in front of me just now.
You got kicked out after 30 minutes, 3 beers and 2 shots. Group record. Also you kept rubbing his belly and calling him buddha.
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
she said she was so hungover this morning in a way that sounded like she was apologizing for thinking she was attracted to me last night...
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