You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
drunk tastebuds have low standards.
She's trying to master eating with her feet. She said it was be she "always has to be prepared."
It is official. It's the year of doin married chicks. Similar to the year of virgins but without all the baggage.
she screamed "gravy"!!! in the guys face and then stole the very large mans food in line ahead of us... that was just the beginging of the police report.
she asked how her costume looked and all i could say was bars are dark right?
if you do the accent, i'll wear the eyepatch
I am going to dream of scrotums tonight, I just know it.
I just realized the only way to play Edward forty-hands is commando in a skirt. This intelligence kick is really doing me justice.
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
I thought about mashed potatoes the whole way home
Nothing says you made great Saturday night choices like someone's dick that you don't remember, poking you in the ass Sunday morning.
we're forecasting high levels of inebriation into the evening with dropping temperatures late at night
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
Randomize
