she told me she had a boyfriend but the alcohol told me she didn't
I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
the party we were at had security guards carrying paintball guns. that probably should have been the first sign
Going home with an argentinian named sulvio. Ill let you know how it goes.
usual friday morning routine. the pants i wore last night are in my passenger seat and im rooting through the pockets trying to make exact change at the dunkin donuts drive thru
How interesting! I'm adding this to my list of things to discuss with you between fucks.
Currently playing beer pong versus the girl i lost my virginity to.....and her mom
I'm imagining a seal in an ugly shirt hahahahaha Percocet
some dude just accurately guessed my height and bra size.. that is cup AND inches around. creepy, yet impressive
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
So....I just took a paddle fan on high speed to the side of the head while getting head...still finished the job, good thing I'm drunk and couldn't feel it.
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
We probably shouldn't have humped each other in a stairwell for an hour. that was probably my bad
I've been trying to masturbate for the longest time now and so far I've accomplished getting tangled in my computer battery cord and phone charger and hitting my knee on my laptop.
Randomize
