I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."
New game: find the sober person in Tbell
I joked that if anyone could fuck a 35 year old woman while wearing head bands and arm sweat bands it's you and look what happens.
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
He paid the bartender with money from the tip jar then proceeded to hit on me in front of my date. I love frat dances
You also hate cartoons and musicals, so I will take that to mean the movie was as awesome as I thought it was..smoke weed
Can we go one day without you telling me that your dick misses me
I just drove my booty call to his booty call, if that isn't spreading the love, I don't know what is.
Possibly threw up in my purse last night. Still suspicious of of all actions
If muffins & morning blowjobs don't make him happy, frankly, I don't think anything will.
Oh my god the guy at DQ just gave me the number 69 and winked at me
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
I have more important things to worry about than you drowning your cheerios in tequila.
Randomize
