Ed hardy makes air fresheners now. Now even the air can be a douchebag.
Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
We've got 2 weeks of college left-I want to feel like Gary Busey by graduation.
You coming out tonight? We gotta hang out before I move to Madison. BTW I'm moving to Madison.
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
I tried to show my boob for free volcano tacos at taco bell last night. Not boobs. Just boob. The manager wasn't allowing it.
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
theres too many punctuation errors in that text to turn me on.
I know you all think its cute to drop me off in a different state when I black out, but I can't wake up in family campgrounds asking where I am. These parents are scared.
God this is like a meg Ryan movie without the restaurant orgasms
I’m almost positive this girl is drinking a mojito in class right now, if so she’s my new hero
Now everytime I sit on a toilet I think about having sex with him. Great.
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
Randomize
