ive come to realize my hair is a lot like my vagina. i put a bunch of shit in it with no result
DO NOT FUCK HIM ON MY BEAN BAG CHAIR
When I stretch out her lips her vagina looks like a dolphin...this birthmark is awesome
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
You do realize that we got a stripper to do the YMCA for us on the main stage... Right?
These margaritas aren't just going to regret themselves.
I just found a wine bottle in my shower. Must have been a good night.
Just watched a guy ride a bike off his roof into his pool. On my way to the liquor store, picking you up in 20
I passed out and slept in my car. Now I feel like a hungover zoo animal. Look and laugh people, look and laugh.
There's no way you didn't at least start out with a dick. I obviously know there isn't one now, but there is no way that you were born a girl
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
He woke me up because I was snoring and went for a second round. First time I'm happy that I snore
Smoked a joint with mom, best Thanksgiving ever!
Been using bowl smoking as a method of time for so long I don't know how long it actually takes to get to work
why the hell are you crying over taco bell?
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