how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
His pickup line was "I'll eat you out"
He did it well too
Idk if this white stuff in my shower is conditioner or... something else?
You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
I was just given a safe word. It's going it be an interesting night.
That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
You are right. The scrape marks on her ass are from her breaking the doggy door by crawling through it.
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
Yep. My memoirs will be called "A Slore Worth Mentioning"
so i EARNED it!?! i EARNED dying alone with cats!!?
He wins the giant teddy bear for getting the neuva ring on the dick
I wasn't that gone.
Dude, you cried and said how sorry you were when we asked why you had the dip.
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
God yes pancakes and booze sounds like the best night ever.
Randomize
