Some man just said he would jack off to my hair color.
why the FUCK would i wear makeup on my vagina!?
I was just like staring at the lawn boy while singing "You Belong With Me".
I am the king of creep.
apparently it was the return of drunk burrito sex.
This girl can open a bottle without using her hands and she's 21. She meets my standards
It is official. It's the year of doin married chicks. Similar to the year of virgins but without all the baggage.
Fucking plugged the shower with taquitos I just threw up.
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
I'm at a gyno in Japan. Safe to say every possible rule of etiquette is about to be broken. Buckle up, motherfuckers.
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
Ugh. He got her for secret santa. Idk what to get. Idk what she's into.
... other people's boyfriends.
Went on a blind date. Afterwards I ripped my pants off and said "it's game time". He was into it.
half way down the stairs my legs said fuck this and i just fell the rest of the way...
Randomize
