An ad on my facebook says "don't be THAT girl". Its like it knows.
His threats seemed pretty legit for a 6 year old
You're just mad that I don't wanna have dugout sex with you
We're not in high school anymore. I'm not going to pretend to be impressed as he butchers my favorite songs on his guitar. I just wanted to get laid.
Me. You. Shitty green clothes from Savers that we will dub alligator costumes. Middle of the quad tomorrow at noon. Bring your alligator voice and the pearls before swine comic.
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
rolling absolute tits, turn on the red lights for when i get home.
i refuse to be around anyone not wearing a sombrero...its cinco de mayo
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
Cooked. Eating pizza. Didn't have a napkin so I took my shirt off and I'm using it.
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
Randomize
