why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
she looks like luggage that fell from a plane
You don't understand, alcohol has become a thing of survival for me and without it I can't function as a normal human being
Eating meat and looking at porn while roommate is at church for Ash Wednesday. Win.
Nothing says Welcome to America than having the international house watch a sorority girl puke over the edge of the porch at 8am.
Oh, and trying to figure out who wants to do Molly in a frat is like asking damn children if they want puppies and candy. So just bring as much as possible.
Sorry, I was unaware dragging you upstairs for sex was such an awful thing.
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
Well. At least he's a gentleman. A gentleman satanist.
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
Beer and xanax may be a bad combo, but I don't really care due to the beer and the xanax.
I only drink at bars with bathrooms big enough to have sex in.
Just watched a middle age white woman scream WHY DON'T YOU GO FUCK YOURSELF, HELEN?! Helen seemed absolutely scandalized.
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
Are you playing pokemon in the dark and sexting? I can't be mad at that.
Randomize
