You drink too much
No, I drink just the right amount - too often.
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
Yeah I'm a responsible adult man but I legally unbind myself from anything that occurred that evening and am in no way responsible for those actions.
you have a wonderful penis attached to someone I'm having a lot of problems with right now
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
I decided not to eat, and then this man was my fairy " don't black out" godmother
but they dont look like handprints. looks like someone had a boxing match with my tits and my tits lost
So I'm thinking that so long as I have this piercing, I'm going to get tested for explosives at the airport
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
Is there a greeting card for "I can't keep being The Other Woman"?
I need five more minutes of sobbing.. AND THEN I will get back to studying
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
The cure for a hangover evidently is not walking around in a costume in the sun towards of park of screaming children
I texted her mom a picture of us doing it saying "I'm trying to make your daughter just like you!" she was not amused.
Randomize
