Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
just saw a guy driving a atv down the highway in a tux.... only in Iowa...
And then I learned that we are dating when I said it's out of line to bring fuck buddies home to meet the parents. And then I was single.
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
Dude, she sent me a nude of her posing in the mirror and her dad was in the reflection
If I can't get slightly excited by the thought of his face between my legs then I know I can never sleep with him.
My roommate said I banged on the wall and said, "this dude eats pussy like a champ."
I just had sex over my oven then high fived the guy. It's going to be a good year.
The front camera on the 5S is SO much better. This is great development for my international sexting.
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
We found out if you get Ben high but stay sober yourself he is an AWESOME cook. You need to get your ass down here, this goes against everything I know to be real.
The highlight of the night was definitely when you starting telling ppl you could shapeshift and "proved" that by stripping.
I'd like to know who hasn't seen my tits tonight.
Randomize
