Just applied online. Cant stop hiccupping. May be drunk. Hope they liked my smiley faces.
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
He probably smells like baby powder and sexual identity crisis.
He showed up 3 hours late wearing roller skates and acted like nothing was wrong with that.
your blue lips and tongue was their first indication you were probably underage
HEY THERE IS NO AGE LIMIT ON BLUE SLUSHIES
At one point he was so drunk he was carrying around a bottle of patron drinking out of it and falling everywhere and every time he spilled it he would scream "THERE GOES TWENTY DOLLARS."
I played ping pong,drunk, with my hand instead of the paddle. And i won. I have hidden talents
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
You just kept screaming "PLEASE YELL CORNDOG AT HIM. PLEASE. CORNDOG."
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
Metaphysical thesis on the illusion of self+ 2 day adderal binge = the walls of reality are crumbling
To this day, I regret not having sex in the bathroom
All I ever do is give guys anxiety problems and flaccid penises.
My little sister just helped me edit my nudes so that's how my night is going
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