Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
it's not gay if you rub your penis between their butt cheeks and pretend they are tits
Did we use protection last night?
Um, no...keep in touch, okay?
I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
i will pay you if you can come get me. he just suggested that we would have a hockey themed wedding.
soo how bad was i last night?
licking sour cream off of the table at pancheros bad.
It's not meant to be. I also just shot a turkey baster of gin into Nate's eye, so....
don't get you morals all over my torrid fantasties
Haha sweet. I'm being the Mad Hatter. I'll be drinking out of a tea cup all night. Or at least until I inevitably lose it, break it, or use it as a weapon.
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
I woke up on some strangers couch covered in salad mix and oatmeal cream pies. The struggle is absolutely real.
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
I don't see why I have to pay for it.
your head went through the window, you're pretty much obligated to pay for it.
How drunk were you? in an effort to seduce him, you demonstrated your lap dance skillz on his dog.
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