Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
do people really wait til 5 oclock to start drinking in real life?
I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
I just paid a homeless man $20 for the dragon ball Z shirt he was wearing. I need to stop drinking
martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
I'm drunk on a monday night. Not a good start to finals week
He is eating chips off the floor in the emergency room..
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
I wanna introduce you to my balls, Thunder and Lightning.
Does taking an old homeless guy to the strip club, buying him lap dances, and calling him pops all night count as a good deed???
Ahh good point. I got some interesting mental pics and I'm slowly entering a "fuck it, lets do weird shit" phase sexually, but you may have already figured that out since I've been fucking you sideways and upside down a lot lately.
Dude just texted me asking if I could drive 45 mins for a quickie dude use your hand
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
I legit feel like I had sex with Joey Fatone. Is that weird?
I think she lost me at about the point where the words “Ice Cream Enema” were spoken.
Randomize
