yeah that facebook group of people who have had sex with me probably isn't to discreet...
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
You thought last year was bad... a guy dressed as a clown showed up with cocaine
we just finished a porn and sex toy shopping spree. this is the fun part of "being serious"
So did u puke in his bathroom or all over his Olympic medals? Please say medals...
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
All I want in life is to get high, take a shower, and him to go down on me. Simultaneously. That's legit my idea of heaven.
Singing high school musical songs with an old Russian woman I met on the bus. What are you doing?
Your vase full of piss was still at his house and he still doesn't know.
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
ya I had reallllllly good sex last night too that will probably get me evicted
Actually we have similar relationship styles aka no relationship... it could work
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
I used to shoot steroids in my ass but for a totally different reason
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Randomize
