There are traffic cones in the living room. One of them is yours.
is it bad that the economy has gotten so bad that finding cheap gas gives me the same excitement and joy as finding a hot, blonde haired, blue eyed, tall, athletic single straight guy?
God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
Just got my period. I'm not pregnant with Scott's child and I won't be having any sex tonight. This must be what they mean by bittersweet.
You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
She offered to massage my back by hitting it with a sparkly purple double dildo... Bi chicks can get creepy
He went into the alley to piss and came back a minute later with a case of Bud Select. I'm speechless.
She wanted to to do it on top of a horse, I can't compete with that
When I don't want to forget things I put them on my cigs.
C smoking isn't all bad
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
It was like a Thanksgiving meal, which you spend 8 hours cooking, and the family wolfs down in 20 minutes. All that flirting and build-up for like 90 seconds of pumping and he was gone in a flash, never to be heard from again.
Terrible idea I love it
I can say with absolute certainty the only time we ever had a civil conversation was when we agreed we both liked pizza.
You know its a good night when ur woken up by the bartender asking you how he ended up at your house
Randomize
