Clearly, I'm already going to hell, so there's no point in trying anymore.
you'll be glad to know I got kicked off the microphone at a bar in Breckenridge last night thanks to my country rendition of all star
I don't care what you say, cheap wine does NOT taste better in expensive crystal...
He woke me up at 3 am kneeling on the floor pissing and yelling, then he passed out and stole my comforter. I want a new roommate...
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
Dude. All those hangovers I never had came back with a vengeance. I just opened the door of this car to barf. The car was not motionless. We are on the autobahn.
God only knows how I ended up there doing crown royal shots to the titanic and insighting a bar wide shit fest when I asked the dj to play levels
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
Fuck you, you can't judge me til you've smelt my boobs.
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
CAN I EVER JUST MAKE OUT EITH SOMEONE AND NOT GET FRIEND REQUESTED BY THEM THE NEXT DAY.
I've never seen an uncircumcised dick in real life and the internet indicates I don't want to.
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
How much have you had to drink?
Qhaghao Oslo?
That seems like quite a lot.
Randomize
