It doesn't matter if he doesn't speak English because I speak the international language of blowies.
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
VODKA 4LOKO BEER NOT IN THE CLEAR
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
He always tells me he misses my clit. I feel like I should make a drinking game out of it
New rule for Thursdays: no high gymnastics
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
It's hard not to feel like a terrible person with bruises on your tits.
You know its a good night when ur woken up by the bartender asking you how he ended up at your house
You just thought it would be a good idea to show your penis to your best friend. No harm, no foul.
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
Randomize
