Instead of having sex, we spent the entire night making pillow forts and have sword fights. I think I'm in love
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
She started doing push ups and calling me a pussy. Never set me up with your ROTC friends again.
Just got an email from TMobile. Said they were going to pursue "more qualified" candidates. So this is what rock bottom feels like.
Yep we found him face down in my sister's bathroom begging for blowjobs without mustard
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
Well you know it's going to be an interesting night when the bathroom attendant is doing hail marrys
Do you think you're physically and mentally capable of killing me? Because I'd really appreciate it.
I wouldn't blame my organs if they just decided to quit working after this weekend
My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
we got kicked out of her coke dealer's house when we wouldn't stop quoting "a league of their own"
communist
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
There was a clear and well defined point last night where I could've decided to go home but no now I've woken up with glitter all over my nuts and potentially an std or 2
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
Randomize
