well my last 2 orgasms were over shoe sales at macy's. what does that tell you?
In attempts to Not be THAT GIRL in front of my new crush I will only drink a 12 pack instead of my normal case.
Haha im sorry. Its just financially responsiable to bang him instead of you right now.
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
Sometimes I send them texts like "I want to make you cry and lick up your tears" just to fuck with them. And THAT is how you get rid of a Stage 5 clinger.
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
I assume some self respect is too lofty of a gift idea
Why is there a traffic cone in the shower? And did you wash it with my body wash? It smells nice.
YO I WASNT TRYING TO MAKE A PASS AT YOU.... Or Jesus
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
I couldn't find my hair brush so I just brushed my hair with a cat brush. I should not be dating.
We almost drove away from the bar with a British stranger in our trunk...
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
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