I rubbed one out into an envelope and mailed it to her. Game point, I win.
they just dont make restraining orders like they used to.
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
Their wedding is on my 21st birthday. I fail to see a way that this could end poorly.
Maybe she got knocked up by accident. I still refuse to believe that anyone actually INTENTIONALLY gets pregnant.
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
Had a farmer come into my class to talk to us today. He apparently met his wife on fb and just thanked jesus for his land. I think I am in the wrong major...
Boy did I ever crash and burn on the pickled egg pick up line.
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
Haha I'M GOING TO MISS HIS PENIS SO MUCH. But not his bipolarness.
3.5 bazillion penises. So not that hard to find a new good one
Randomize
