If she sees it and stops hooking up w/ me then you owe me
im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name.
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
When that rick ross song came on he started ripping up dollar bills and pouring out drinks on the floor. I'm all for ignorance but it was a little excessive for a wedding
I'm drinking carlo rossi straight from the jug. I don't have any clean cups...how am I still at this point in my life...
I just picked up a hitchhiker so karma will be on our side this weekend. Hahahahahaha
No.
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
I'm sitting on my couch eating a bag of marshmallows and watching someone run bare ass down the street. What has happened to my life?
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
I always can't wait to see you but when there's also an opportunity to get naked it elevates to an entirely different level
she's always on high-alert for lesbians
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