She checked into foursquare right as she left work so he would think she was there late and not on some other guy's dick
I have to say for barely passing high school, that girl is a genius.
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
Where'd you guys get the alcohol from?
Oh. Some homeless guy we picked up from I-70. He bought us $400 worth of alcohol in exchange for a shower.
...... wtf.
he told me he was a chubby chaser.. then winked. i'm signing up for a gym pass as we speak
There is a girl on the metro with no shoes and she's using a Crown Royal bag as a purse.
What was the name of the cook I had sex with at Famous Dave's?
Dude, I went home and roller-bladed into her bedroom so I didn't have a 'walk' or shame in the morning..I wouldn't talk to her unless she refereed to me as Brink
There appears to be a lake on my nightstand. As usual, I should not be considered a suspect. Together, we will find out who did this.
Just realized I used a picture of my little sister to holler at a guy, only 3 months old and she's already my wingman.
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
Buffalo PD walked in my bedroom this morning at 7 am. Was still blackout drunk, fully dressed, Steak Out wrapper on the floor, parking meter on the floor of the bar room. 'Both of your doors were wide open, wanted to make sure no one was robbing you.' Then I made a pass at her.
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
I feel kind of like we’re in a gang and tonight is one of those “people are gonna know not to fuck with us” type of nights. And then tomorrow I am going to learn to pole dance. I’m not really sure how I got to this point in my life… but I like it.
That is our entire relationship. We match bowls and give each other head. What more could you possibly want?
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