Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
and my loofah got caught on my nipple ring in the shower today. what an awful experience.
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
Maybe you shouldn't go to cosmic bowling, i don't know if cum glows and I don't wanna find out i'm sure his parents don't either.
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
I just puked so hard I pissed myself. Outta my ass. I just won hangover of the century.
It's okay. My lingerie drawer is skanky enough for the two of us. Even across borders.
The walls are thin & apartments are narrow so all the bedrooms are next to each other. Our complex could compete in synchronized orgasms.
He has what he calls a "Ben Franklin". It's a pubic hairdo based on the man himself; long on the sides and bald in the middle.
are you fucking roseanne barr in there?
Afterwards he face timed like four of his friends screaming he banged the hot intern.
I'm still alive btw, in case you were worried about my well being.
you're welcome to come here, except my beds from ikea so it's more unstable than i am
He keeps singing a song about someone called the dayman.
....fighter of the Nightman?
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