and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
So I was just looking through the calendar on my phone seeing what day new years was on & on dec 31st at 9am it says "nude champagne toast". Guess we have to do it.
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
A valiant attempt to obtain a backhoe was made
"Stranger danger aquaman" were the last words i remember. help me.
The smell of mosquito spray completely ruined the sex.
Sometimes intelligent conversation doesn't mix well with a romantic interest. It's possible the two are best kept separate. Toys should just stay in the toy box.
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
There needs to be a greeting card for "I miss having sex and smoking weed with you."
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
Sooo, did you delete me cause I said I wouldn't babysit you while you did shrooms? You're a grown man.
She asked what the dent on the hood of my car was from..i think she knows we had sex up there
I gave him breakup sex, AGAIN
Randomize
