Whatever. I'm saving myself for my wedding night or a night with enough patron.
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
I don't remember what you were saying to me in the bathroom. But whatever it was, yes, because i remember nodding a lot.
I feel like we have both made good decisions regarding our vaginas lately
Based on your 5AM twitter activity I gather you found MORE FREE COKE??
I haven't received a dick pic from him lately. He's not even my boyfriend and I'm concerned. I hope he's alright.
Felt so good this afternoon, figured I wouldn't have a comedown. Wrong. Just realized I've been staring at a wall for 40 minutes contemplating the color yellow.
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
I have never thoroughly inspected the geometry of my nipples until now. How do I fix this?
This feels more like a conference of all the people I've fucked in the past year.
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
so on the street and some kid is chanting "cheeseburger, cheeseburger, cheeseburger!" while pumping his fist in the air. i agree.
Randomize
