its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
Dude. No way. She insults the term butterface. She's a butternothing.
Damn it, I know in the morning I'm going to regret eating out of the trash...
Theres a high probability there will be two hot men waiting on you in your bed when you get home for lunch.
it looks like my getting laid tonight is going to depend on my knowledge of native birds. this is a weird party
I feel a whole lot better than i did this morning at 3 when one of my roommates discovered me slightly aware of my surroundings and naked in the bath tub with the shower on
maby next time we don't finish the whole box wine just because it tastes like shit
Smoked a joint with my old camp counselor and now we're going to a strip club. There is a god.
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
There should be a Doritos delivery van or something.
Oh my fucking god that cat looks just like you after you accidentally took Ketamine
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
somehow I wound up on the floor crying about his beard. then telling everyone I'd give him a "lesbian blowjob".
If you find out what that means, show me.
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
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